I'm back c0mments!

It's been more than 2 years since I blogged.
A lot of things have happened.
I have been spending like 2 years being a neet.
Turning to gaming because it's more enjoyable than the real world.
I regret doing that. If I could turn back time I want to study, gain more knowledge about the coming future.
Yeah I would brag that I'm good at the game called "team fortress".
The satisfaction  of winning over someone repeatedly. 

But I realize that I was proud of the stupidest thing which won't make an impact in my life.
Right now returning to society.  Never know when  I would go back to being a neet.
My obsession for "team fortress" was so strong it feels like km a smoke addict.
I know I need help but I don't know where to start.

The closest to me was my close friend Lewis.
It's totally my fault for rejecting people who cared for me.
Same goes to the friends I made during the past.
My insecurity

My plans c0mments! Things are going quite alright for me. I am living in my grandma house because i got kicked out of the my house for some little reason. i dont want to talk about that. its a bad moment so i dont even want to think about it. now im working and training at Burgerking outlet while waiting for NS. Before i work in Burgerking i was working as cleaner. cleaning at Marina Sands Bay. I thought i could work for months but unfortunately its for only one day and i quit. but that doesnt mean i didnt learn anything. i did reflect while on the job. i looked myself in the mirror. me holding a broomstick?! thats not even my dream. on that night i spend my time reflecting on myself. like what do i want in life and how do i make this happen. so i told myself to take one step at a time that is working. intead of playing games the whole day i work. Well my plan now is to wait for Ns while working then after Ns i might work part-time job. then i would find a course that i might like. maybe its computer related. i want to study hard after Ns. I must focus on my plans.

Something for myself:
Decide and take action
Focus
Quick at everything

Happy birthday to me. c0mments! Today was my birthday. Thnx again to everyone who wished me. Today i didnt really do anything much. but im planning to find the work at kallang leisure park. Azri said that there is a job there. so maybe i might have the mood to go there and ill check it out. well like i said nothing much happened today. i dont expect anything as usual. if i were to wish for my birthday i would wished that my life will go smoothly and mostly happy. before i graduate i plan to wait for Ns then i will think of my future. but now i dont really feel like it.
The best solution to problems is improve it. well at least that is my quote.

Im really lost.... c0mments! I really dont know what to do. im really lost. All the time i have been staying at home consistently. sleeping at irregular times. i feel like shit. I wanted to work. But i needed money for transport. im really having money trouble right now. Whats even worst is, my ezlink wont be able to use anymore. i have to use coins. it will cost me $2 to go out. Im really feeling very shitty.
If only i look for a job sooner, i wont have to stay at home all day. I honestly dont like to stay indoors. it is very gloomy. i rather have a fresh air outside. Since i graduate from secondary school, im not that active anymore. maybe it was because i have close friends. During secondary school day, i would like to hang out with my friends even if its really boring. I can still remember the days i went to Maverick house with others. Sometimes we would play computer or doing nothing at all. it seems like doing nothing at all was fun to me at that time. Now im really obsessed with playing online games. I know its not good for me to stay at home playing games all day. When im at home, the most fun things i could do at home was touching my laptop. Even now i rarely touch my ps3. i figure that i had quite a big problem. a bad habit. i want to stop this and hang out with friends but the only thing that is preventing me is money.
I can ride a bike to lewis house during weekend to hangout but in the end of the day i will be very exhausted. it took me 1 hour to reach his house and another to go back home. its really very tiring. I would sweat when riding. i really hate sweating when i have no extra shirts to wear. Now waiting for my Ns. I dont know when i will be going in. Azri told me that there is a job at kallang leisure park. maybe i might be working there. the only thing im worried is, spending money for a job. i remember last time when i want to work as a promoter. i had to spend lots of money just go for the job. Even worst, i didnt get any money at all because i thought it was really very hard to work as a promoter. the worst thing about being promoter is asking your family to buy their product in order to get pay. its really very shameful to ask your family buy the product after you just said to them that you are working. its more like taking money away from them. the most decent pay i ever received was the company Sasa. Long john silver was not bad but because of one person i dont like, i stopped working. Whenever i tried to ask lewis find work together, it always end up in failure. life is really not simple since i graduate.
Maybe tomorrow ill search the location for the job that Azri recommended in the internet.

c0mments! Today i feel extremely lazy. I have no mood to go out.
I feel like im suffering from Anxiety disorder. It seems that things isnt the way like it is before.
I tried most of my theory to cope with this. i felt like im stuck and have nowhere to go. Heres what i do every now and then. 1st thing in the morning i would wake up around 5am and watch Tv or play Psp. in the noon i would play Online games till night. I keep doing this everytime. somehow i dont feel happy with myself. I feel that i need to break this bad habit and start hanging out with friends more. I really have changed. but in the worse way.
I really2 felt lazy to do outdoors. Before i graduate from secondary school, i was very outgoing. now i prefer to stay at home. but im not happy at all. my house is all sour. Parents always make me feel pissed. its not that i hate myself. its just that i dont want to change to this type of person.
I know this is definitely not my personality. i think i really need to go to a psychiatrist.
Now i dont have a goal. I would want to continue playing basketball but i feel that it was not worth it. When i asked myself, what i want in life. Happiness. but i dont really know how to be happy. if i can recall, last time i would go for something that is very challenging. now i feel like i cant joke about anything. its like i lost my skills to joke. currently im really trying to find out why i cant joke anymore. I can laugh at funny things, well almost all things. but i cant even joke.
Maybe its because of the anxiety disorder. Now i want to spend my time searching for answer.

Damn this TF2 c0mments! Wth for few days and i started playing tf2. all the players already got the new weapon while i dont. not only that. all of them became more pro in just few days. i couldnt own any of them. so pissed with team fortress. it really sucks to be one of the few who didnt get the new weapons. today i wasted time for nothing. sheesh im so pissed.

c0mments! Let me get this clear. Why are people so ignorant. saying that i didnt do what i was suppose to do but didnt look at themselves for what they didnt do. damn this people. Why are people acting all big and arrogant when i looked up to them? can't you just respect and dont treat them like dogs. i know for sure i have done this in the past but i changed. last time i even boss people around to lick the floors. yeah i was arrogant and heartless. i changed for the better. For people out there who treat me like im your dog. you got the wrong person. i wont hesitate to punch.
Stop leveling people god damn it. even if they are much weirder. imagine if all the people had died and you left with this weird person. would you talked to him? the answer is obvious.
I was popular once but i never level down people until so low. even a little i respect them. like delta,JL and some others. i respect them. i never insult people seriously. even if i insult, it was really meant to be a bad joke. i really hated people who looked down on others.
And yeah weird people are entertaining and annoying. so what. theres no need to hate them. its like being a stereotype. From now on i wont respect people who are really ignorant. When it comes to pride i really wont let people push me. Delta has a weak pride. he even get bullied everytime and still didnt fight back. if i were him i wont hesitate to punch that person even if im risking it. so what if there are many people beating you. you let them push you then you are better of dead. there are times you need to fight back. you didnt fight than whats the point living. i have been in this situation "tried to ask somebody but instead he pushes me away and continue what he was doing" alot of times. i can handle that but if that becomes his habit then i wont talk to him anymore. damn this people.