c0mments! Interesting is Interested in Interesting and it just cycles. uninterested is interested in uninterested. this is what i came up with. it just pop up in my mind. having interested in something build your spirit and the power to endure or forget a pain. looking at everything as interesting is actually good for you. interested in uninteresting is really bad and it is called 2 faced.
2 faced is the same as Phony.
a Phony is someone who pretend to be a FRIEND to someone but actually talk bad about THAT friend. but when THAT friend is there they will try their best to act like they are REAL friends. same goes to other relationship.
i really hate this kind of people. if they really dont like that person than dont be friends with them in the 1st place. phony people exist because they wants "things" for themselves but pretend to be good in order to get "things" for themselves. Manipulating is the almost the same as being phony. too bad there is such people in class that is phony. The least you can do is not to stay with them "acting" all good.
Phony can also relate to Back-stabbing.

The opposite of 2 faced is Genuine.

To me if i were to make enemies i could forgive them easily. like what i did to violet. at 1st i really doubt that i would forgive him. then i think back. why not? i make alot of enemies in the past but i forgave them.

Lies
You buy lies with a curse.
that curse WILL come to you.
that curse is usually attacked you unguarded.
etc people hating you or angry at you or maybe something more major.

if you did not lie in the 1st place you will have lesser curse.

Not lying is being honest
Lying is being dishonest

this afternoon i was asked by my mother to look after my father shoes.
if it rains, i should bring it inside.
i was hogging onto my laptop all day and it rains.
The door was wide open which lets all the rain to splash onto my doorstep.
i just thought it was no big deal that it rains.
then i heard a lightning. i felt disturbed and want to close the door.
and i saw my father shoes wet.
i felt like i lied or broke a promise.
so i keep it inside drying with a fan.
when my father wakes up he asked "why is the fan in my room switched on?"
he said angrily. i said that i was drying his shoes. He got lost of words and just blame it on my mother for not taking the shoes inside earlier. i felt so irresponible. i really felt like i was a bad guy.
so the next time i must really be more responsible.

sometime i asked myself what is true happiness.
is it being happy for a short while like laughing at jokes or being happy all day long.
if happiness is laughing at jokes than i must be greedy.
maybe a happiness can be something thrilling.
etc having to do something risky. like parkour. you felt thrilled on jumping from building to building but at the same time you are getting quite excited. after you jumped and landed safely, you felt this strong ego coming to you. and you will say something like" Whose the man now?"
maybe it was that. its been quite a long time since i did something really risky.
talking about risky i developed this thrilled when playing basketball.

okay there was 5 people in a team who is better than you.
this is how it goes.
you have 3 seconds to pass to another player and let him score or score by yourself and you know that there is very less chance of you scoring. having to pass to another player takes 1 second and 2 seconds to shoot the ball. i really was a clear answer that you should pass to that player but instead you scored it by yourself. you felt extremely happy and proud after you scored.

i guess that is thrilling. having something you know you cant do yet you overcome that. its quite a good feeling. this is why i love sports.

c0mments! although i kept my promise i dont feel anything in return. i have to use more of my brain than heart... everything has right and wrong. maybe i have always looked in "wrong" too many times. that is negativity. although i tried to be a bad person...all my friends and siblings encourage me to be a good person. i got a little soften by that. so now i know that i was too emotional. today i did alot of work and i really want thank Bryan and Farhan for pitying me. they gave me food. because i am having alot of problem with money. i did not thank in person because i felt awkward. when i felt awkward everything seems to be happening while i took my time feeling awkward. at the end of the day i apologize to violet in proper. i forgot how to forgive and forget. it just happens to fast and i was really stressed. i really felt a pain in my stomach while doing my work and i felt really sleepy and aching all over my body. The Main reason i got into a fight was because i was looked down by people. i hated that. i did post that i hate being looked down few years ago. and finally Farhan was more nicer than before. ill try to understand the team more. although today there is bad things happening... in the end i was quite satisfied on how my classmates are so nice to me. Actually this blog was my feelings. i dont intend to spread this. its not my intention. whenever i felt extremely angry or sad i Will write things down. having a blog is quite usefull for a forgetful person like me. yeah i left 2-3 short scene for me to draw. From my friends.
Life is full of challenges.
Bad person always come last and good person are always first.
Dont think about the past and live in the present.
this is the quote i got today.

c0mments! i have just finished training for tomorrow. now i want to leave protecting my pride.
tomorrow is the day of change. either me or him will fall. but im not gonna fall that easily.
my mind is all alert. i dont care if i die. having emotionally pushed is not the way i want to live life. i want to leave life with pride. i am going to keep my promise.

c0mments! Fuck this! violet want to have and argument with me? im gonna have to Punch him to senses tomorrow. I DONT CARE WHAT EVER HAPPENS TO ME!! I HAVE MY PRIDE TO PROTECT!!! I won't let this go on any longer. ill make sure he will faint tomorrow.
This is the prove. if i dont punch him to his sense tomorrow i will not come to school anymore. I MUHAMMAD LUTFI SWEAR THAT I WILL PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE. NO HOLDING BACK!!! IM NOT GONNA HAVE A TALK WITH HIM BUT IM GONNA LET MY FIST DO THE TALKING.

c0mments! i know its important to do FYP. pls dont compare me with somebody else. i really dont like that. do you really think that i can do my work if i am upset? im not that selfish to let my team fall just like that. i am not that type of person. i like to fool around. i am not the type of person who likes to do work everytime. pls understand. its really hard for me to do work when people are forcing. i rather do it on my own free will.even in my secondary school i play more and study less. if you think that scolding me will make me do work, then you are mistaken. i did it with my own reason. its hard to change my "laziness towards work" that fast. it takes time. i have never concentrate that hard to do my work before. im not doing because im scared. true that i say i want to change. but that doesnt mean that i can change just like that. instead of scolding ask me nicely. if i dont want then it means i need a time to get back on track. time cure your mood even if you are mad it will definitely drift away. i did say in this blog that i hated when someone force me to do things. im not like bryan who always do work...im different. i got alot in my mind right now. family, FYP, finding myself, lesser day and lesser money. im trying to solve this. i even stayed back with growling stomach. i endure that just to do work. normally i will give up when im hungry. i know that you dont want to fail this course. just think positive and everything will be fine and smooth. just use logic. sure you can change the person by scolding but that person in return will feel angry. its like fire with fire and it just build more fire. i even give up my saturday for this FYP. that day was important to me but i just pushed it aside thinking that my friend will not be upset. the least i can do is message but it backfires. might as well dont message. what im trying to say is dont force me. now that i let out my feelings. i can forget what had happen previously.

Yesterday Today c0mments! Yesterday or maybe today in the middle of the night i went skating with mansur while lewis acompany me. i did teach him some method on how to skate. like standing on one leg on the skateboard. while he is learning i was wasting my energy running on a "ledge" which i think will improve my body balance if i did that. than mansur stopped skating and talk to lewis with lewis other friend. i felt bored and tired. then i start skating like mad. i think i realize that if im extremely tired i will waste my energy like crazy. especially on something fun. haiz today at 7pm my stupid father trying to scare me...fuck...i showed him the sign that i really hate him. no i rather waste my time doing other things rather than wasting time on him. its not worth hating. wth he told me that he will break my laptop if i played in the room or overnight using.whats wrong with that?!!!! 1st theres nothing wrong in playing in my room...even if you are preventing me watching porn...there will be a time that i WILL watch. there is no escaping. are you really stupid?! my "mother" also stupid...letting him step on you. he WILL step on you more. i prefer to stay at my grandmothers house rather than here. but school is not near. if you have been as nice as grandma i would have listened to you stupid! i wont listen to people who scold me. instead i will do the opposite. every single time i will see you scolding people. even "mother" for her talking. are you trying to change us?!! well for one thing you did change me...into a pessimist idiot! now here i am trying hard to get to my old self. you want to break my laptop? well there is a price. the price is i will direspect you even more. i never once got praised by you.when i was little i even want you to praise me for getting good marks. seriously everytime i must get over this hate everytime you scold me. you are wasting my time. enough of that...
now talking about yesterday ... lewis told me that if you sleep more you are not living your life to your fullest. he said the reason was...when you sleep you are doing something. but there is some other thing you can do to improve your life. yes sleeping is important but what if your life get taken away tomorrow? you never know so i heed his advice and try to do something worth doing. i must remind myself that action speaks louder than words. i keep forgeting this. lutfi dont just say that you want to do it. just do it. dont do that just boost yourself up. do it because you wanted it.

what wrong with my life? c0mments! i can get all the things that i wanted but why do i feel so uneasy....
i got those things that i can enjoy with everyday but i feel like im not happy with what i got.
although yesterday was really a bad day but at least i clear something like...not being able to openly talk to my grandparents.
i became introverted since i was in this school. is it because that i dont want people to think bad of me? i dont know. but one thing that saved me from being introverted was my best friend..Lewis. he is more social than me. since i came to this school i was not open to him as well. i tried not to get argument with him. but he was always showing this warm welcome. its hard to find a friend like him. i should treat him better. he always put himself and me in the future.
its quite a coincidence when i met him.
this is how it started. i study in GuangYang Secondary school. when i was in school i was quite shy. although there is someone who makes friend with me. im like answering his question few days passed. i feel like i should make friends. i saw this large guy. he is alone sometime. when i was on my way home. i saw Lewis from far. i guessed that he lived nearby.
so the next day i purposely bump into him in a shop. buying twisties. munching on it and ask him.. you from my class right? then he said yes. then we say goodbye. i cant remeber well but we started to get along. i would ask him whether he want to come my house to play games. like ps2. little did i know that this game called "GTA" could make us bestfriends. we two love this game very much that we discussed it everytime. we even joked about it. then i started to fall for a girl in my sec 1 years. it was different feeling. everytime i would find every chance to look at her. i was always admiring her cheerful personality. then i started to play basketball. i started to prove to people that im not a person whom is worthless. i tried everything just to gain her attention. Lewis would sometime join me in my "morning basketball" with some other friend from other class. i was very open in my sec school days but egoistic at the same time. i was the kind who always go all out for things that i like. later did i know that my friend lewis like that girl that i liked. i found it when i pranked him. its something like "asking him to type whom he like" application. there was 4 of them 1 of it was the one i liked. so i was like "he betrayed me". but as years passed on i began to purposely forget her. because she goes steady with another guy. i was heart broken. i forced my self to forget and try to enjoy my life. as always i hang out with lewis. play games, basketball and almost anything. sometime i can be evil to persuade him to accompany me to do this and that. but it was all for the fun of it. . if i compare him with others i say he is the most fun person i have ever met. his jokes can be lame. but as he joke more his jokes became more funnier. that is what good about him. then one day he went to "boys home". i felt quite lonely even if i have other friends. he was sent there because he join a gang and broke a persons nose. starting from then onwards i always said to him dont mix with those kind of people. they are cowards. slowly he became the type who resist gangs. but he of course still like those gang game. he said that he got addicted to GTA because of me. and he said i shamelessly tried to make friends with him. but i think its fine with him.
he always have a bad odor. i always tell him straight forward that he stinks and need a bath. as time goes by he changed his habit of not bathing. he became more cleaner. up until now he still joke.
about my love life i really think that i only had one person in my eyes. but i got heartbroken. so manage to bring myself up fast. i could say that she is the person that i liked most. the feeling that you wouldnt betray her for anything.

since i was in ite i tried to bring myself up. being too emotional is really bad for health. and its hard to recover.

This breakdowns probably caused by:
Self-conscious
Swayed emotion
Constant failure
Negative friends

to say honestly in one of my class right now whom is negative is none other than peishen.
but he is not a bad person. its just that he has more different views.
for etc...i think of happy endings while he think that there is no such thing.
i think it was the cause of his family that he thinks that way. but of course i like to talk to him.
because he loves music. maybe i got something to relate to him. i dont know why but i just talk to him without good reason. there is one time i post something in facebook. saying that i should trust my heart more. but he respond saying that sometime you heart lies. i was a little uncomfortable there. i didnt talk to him for days until one day i talked to him like normal.
so im saying no matter how bad the person is you still can forgive him. forgiving feels much better than holding grudges. when you hold grudges you tend to feel more faded from reality. i rather find something fun to spend my time on rather than spending my time on how to deal with the person you hate.